The dream film cast

Everyone has their dream film cast, or at least I'd like to think so. Some people have predictable casts for their dream film. For instance, virtually every 15-year-old boy is prepared to overlook a lack of talent and personality just so he could spend 90 minutes ogling Megan Fox in just her underwear or completely naked, and most people will have Morgan Freeman playing either Nelson Mandela or God.

The first major question in my dream film cast is who plays the renegade veteran starship captain. In the interests of not butchering any more classic Britpop songs, William Shatner is right out. In reality, there's only one man on the shortlist, simply for the authority he brings: Patrick Stewart. That, and the fact I walked past the house he was born every morning for five years on my way to school. He can also play a dual-role as the wise old man giving advice, which means that there's no reason to have a Gandalf in the film.

So who plays the main action lead? I'll tell you who it isn't. It isn't Hayden flipping Christensen on account of the fact he can't act. And it also isn't Jake Gyllanhaal, because despite the fact he's probably a nice bloke, he annoys me and I'm envious of him for getting to hang around Gemma Arterton while filming Prince of Persia: Sands of Time. Bruce Willis can't act (ooh, controversial), neither can Arnie, and besides, both of them are too old. Christian Bale is Welsh (not to mention a complete scumbag). All this brings me down to one man. Matt Damon plays the action lead on account of being a good character actor as well as a good action actor. Just watch The Bourne Identity and then The Talented Mr Ripley straight after, and you'll see what I mean. And throw in Saving Private Ryan, just because it's a good film.

Now for the sidekicks. Anthony Daniels as C-3PO is a shoe-in (alongside R2-D2, obviously, although given modern robotics we don't need Kenny Baker in there, which is a shame, but for a better effect it has to be pure robot). As a human sidekick to Damon's action lead, I'm going to plump for Chris Pine, because I found him entertaining as Captain Kirk in the latest Star Trek film.

Obviously, the lead action man needs his romantic interest. But whoever plays that has to be more than just a pretty face and full cleavage. And that means whoever plays the romantic interest is not going to be Megan Fox, because, despite the fact she's fairly attractive, she's got all the acting talent of a roof tile (and the personality of the same, while having an ego the size of Jupiter). And unfortunately I can't choose Summer Glau either; attractive as she is, she's not exactly suited to a mainstream role with a relatively normal personality. She's more suited to the insane girl thing (how she was in Firefly and Serenity) or robotic personality (Sarah Connor Chronicles). So the job goes to Natalie Portman, who can act (contrary to what Revenge of the Sith says), has done the action thing in the past and is good with character, especially the tortured soul I need to have somewhere in this film.

What else do I need? For my omnipotent presence, I'm going to have James Earl Jones voicing God. There's something to that voice. It could be so soothing, but all the time you expect to hear artificial breathing as a seven-foot black figure steps out of the shadows and Force chokes you to death. I was going to have him played by Morgan Freeman and voiced by James Earl Jones, but there's no point having everyone's favourite actor ever around with his own reassuring voice when you're just going to dub over that voice. So it's a disembodied voice. Or maybe David Prowse reprising his role as Darth Vader.

So who's the antagonist? Just for the sake of being able to yell 'SCARAMANGA!' at the screen, it has to be Christopher Lee. He may be in his 80s now, but he's still a better actor than 99% of people. Seeing as he isn't an action man and can't take part in any major battles which may or may not occur, he gets his minion (Zachary Quinto) to do all his fighting for him.

Movie to be directed by Christopher Nolan and written by me. Special effects from Industrial Light and Magic, and it most certainly won't be in 3D at selected cinemas. I hate 3D.